It has my name on it.
These are my appointments.
It just feels so... still feels so surreal.
Today, while driving to a meeting, I couldn't help but think about how lucky we are. We have each other, we have jobs, we have our home, we are healthy, we have wonderful friends and family. How did we possibly deserve more luck to get pregnant? I'm not saying that we don't deserve it, just that suddenly feels so freaking unfair. Why us? Why not all us us?
People keep asking me how I'm feeling, alluding to the concept that I must be so excited and in love with this baby. But I don't feel that. All I can think is that every day that passes brings us one day closer to December. I have this feeling that I can't trust this, that this won't feel real until December, until we are finally holding this child in our arms.
I went to the bargain fair with my mom last weekend. It is like a massive community garage sale that is held every 4 months. My sweet mama is so excited. She had so much fun shopping for adorable little baby clothing. I found some gender neutral sleepers, but as I bought them, for $1 each, I felt a little like an impostor. Like I was simply engaging in a business transaction, without the emotional investment that I would soon enough be dressing MY long awaited baby in these clothes.
Later on my mom and I went to Macy's and found ourselves in the baby section. My sweet mom wanted to buy all of the perfect little outfits. Yet I could't let her. Maybe after December, it will be alright, but not now.
In more positive news, I am having a ton of fun shopping for myself! I just got my first delivery of maternity tops, all of which I absolutely love. Old Navy and Gap delivered me 6 awesome tops for less than $100 - can't beat that. My blouses are starting to bust at the bust, and aren't long enough to cover my maternity pants elastic band. It was a necessary purchase. And I guess that if I can keep loving my body, that some of that love will seep into the little life that is growing inside.
6 comments :
I know the feeling...it will feel more real when you feel the baby move and the bump looks more bumpy and less big lunchy. Love you! HUG
I felt the same way...exactly the same way. While I reveled in my pregnant belly, I was distant from the babies growing inside. We didn't get a crib until I was 7 months pregnant. I had a baby shower "forced" on me when I went down to visit friends and family at 6 months (That was the only time I was going to see them, so they wanted to do something). I appreciated it, but I was apprehensive. I wouldn't let my coworkers throw me a baby shower until the first of July. My scheduled c-section was near the end of July. I was so worried about another tragic failure of my body.
So all I'm saying is that I've been there. I think a lot of us have been there. And when you are holding your child in your arms, you can smile and get to know him/her! :)
I completely understand and feel the same way!
Yep felt/feel exactly the same way. ahh infertility, the gift that just keeps on giving. Once you feel the baby move it gets more real but I still look at my belly every day and I am in awe that there is a living growing person in there! The first time I talked to the baby out loud, I was 19 weeks and I started bawling hysterically, it was like it finally hit me that I AM going to be a mom.
Wow! That does sound surreal. How awesome! I love that you are able to really enjoy it. Baby clothes are SO cute!
this is totally normal. We live in fear. Fear something will happen, so we have to guard our feelings so as not to get hurt. I called it The Fear. I know the feeling, and I had the same thoughts. I am a little more at ease the closer we get (OMG I AM 31w6d!!).
I honestly don't think I really felt a connection or so until around 19 -20 weeks. Like maybe this WAS going to happen.
I slowly started buying more stuff....although when I went on bed rest for that short time I bought a lot of stuff. Online shopping rocks. :)
<3 **HUGS** girl. What you are feeling is normal!
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