Dreaming of a baby boy

I've always been very aware of my dreams. It is a rare night when I don't wake up remembering some portion of my sleeping entertainment. I'm also prone to nightmares, and known to wake up in a panic, heart pounding, sweating, after crying out for help in my sleep.  I think its always been this way.

I dreamt last night that we had our baby. We were in a home, not our home, but it was a very calm safe place. I remember realizing that we were not at a hospital and feeling like it was okay. It was a baby boy, carefully handed to me as I lay in bed with ML. We were tired and slept, the three of us together until morning. Apparently I'd forgotten to tell many important people, like Bestie, that we were having the baby. Somehow she arrived in the morning and I was able to introduce her to the little baby boy. After a while I thought that the baby must be hungry and that I should try to feed it. Still in bed, I offered him my breast, with my mom right there to help me get it right, and he latched right on for a short feeding. We all went back to sleep for some time.

I was holding this perfect little baby, full of such peace and calm. Yet, there remained a disconnectedness that I feel now. A hesitation to believe that it was real. I cautious feeling warning me that I better not get too excited about this. All the while, with a trust that everything would work out just the way it needed to.

I've had dreams about babies in the past. Never one like this. My last dream about a baby was years ago, ML and I had delivered our baby at home by ourselves in our bedroom. It was a vivid and graphic dream. When we decided that we needed to get cleaned up by jumping in the shower, I left the just delivered baby lying on the bathmat outside of the shower. My other baby dreams all consisted of a complete disregard for the baby in some way or another, of me putting my desires above the needs of the infant, and then feeling guilty as a result.

When I was younger my girlfriends used to spend hours trying to analyze our dreams. One book we had focused on the emotions that one felt in a dream, as opposed to the symbols in a dream. For instance, in a dream where you were flying, it was more important to focus on your feelings about flying, were you happy? scared? excited? The book argued that dreams were a way to explore emotions that were otherwise hidden below the subconscious. I've always thought that this theory made sense, more sense than analysis of the dream symbols.

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We had our final appointment and ultrasound with the RE on Monday.  According to him everything looks great. He and the nurses all gave me hugs on the way out and eagerly asked us to bring the baby to meet them in December. It was sweet really.

We were told to stop the PIO injections, which was more than welcome news, since they had recently turned from a nightly ritual to a nightly torture. I am supposed to increase my endometrium form 1 per day to three per day. In another two weeks we will discontinue the progesterone and baby aspirin.

I have thousands of dollars worth of extra medication (follistim, menupur, ovidrel, etc) that we didn't need, and am not sure what to do with it. The RE suggested that I donate it to his clinic, which might have gone over better had he directed some donated meeds my direction during our cycle. It really makes me sick to think that we can't recoup some portion of the cost. And I suppose next time we do this, I'll definitely question the logic of placing one large order for the cycle under the assumption that I'll have all the meds I'll need. Placing a second order would have been a much better alternative.

I am still feeling exceptionally well, so long as I keep food on hand always. The cramps that were making me so nervous weeks 4-7 have pretty much stopped, and I haven't had any bleeding, fresh or otherwise in over a week. The dizzies are an issue that I'm dealing with on a daily basis. I've been on order to take it easy, but when I am up and about I get out of breath so fast. I'm up six lbs from the beta, and none of my pants fit anymore. My mom even said that she noticed a bump when she came over for dinner on Monday night.

I've been slacking on comments recently, don't have any good excuse, just feeling a little disconnected I guess and maybe a little more tired at the end of the day. Just know that I'm reading and sending lots of love.


PS: If you have a moment and wouldn't mind, could you vote for me?