For the first time on this journey I've started to feel a sense of anger. I am angry that it can't just be easy, that a loss would mean that we have to start from scratch again, that I don't know what is normal, that I am having such a hard time just enjoying this. It is all starting to make me mad.
I really am trying so hard to be zen about it all, and find ways to change scary thoughts into positive ones - like thinking that the cramps are just the little one saying hi, but I just feel so disconnected. I can't say if I am afraid to connect with this little bean, or what, but I really don't feel connected enough to be able to trust my body.
In other news, as of this last weekend I am officially tapered off of the Lexapro. And I haven't taken a Xanax or a Klonopin since the retrieval. I know that this is best for our baby, and it felt like the right decision when we made it, but today, I am wondering. I made the Dr agree that we could revisit the meds at any time and it feels early good to know that option is there is I need it.
I have so many other happy things to post about, but they are all in mid-thought at the moment.
Oh yes, my boobies started hurting this weekend! It was so exciting! and ML swears to me that they are growing. :)
Again, I have to thank all of your for the incredible support, at every step of the way you've been here for me. The beautiful Carlia won my cycle giveaway, but I do have a little something for the rest of you, if you'll email me your mailing address.
20 comments :
I'm glad everything looked good, though I'm sorry for all the scares. We finally saw our little bean's heart beat today, and I think it was the first time I really let myself go and cry and just be happy. It was terrifying, but I needed it. Now, I can only hope that everything stays just fine.
Oh Foxy, I so wish things were easy and straightforward for you. I wish that instead of spotting, there was ease and comfort. I wish that instead of worry and dread that things could go wrong, there was a sense of knowing in your heart that all will be well. I wish I could give you a picture of the future where you and ML are holding your little one in your arms. But I guess this is part of the deal. Hand in there, my dear friend, and get some good rest so you can cope with the ups and downs. Sending love and hugs.
I'm so relieved to hear that evertyhing looked perfect. But I totally understand where you're coming from. With everything us IFers have to go through to get pregnant, we deserve the easiest carefree pregnancies EVER...and when that doesn't happen, it's just not fair. Hoping things settle down for you soon, and you start experiencing more reassuring symptoms.
Sending you a big virtual hug...
I think normal is whatever you are feeling, as long as it isn't harmful to yourself.
Honestly. I am going through a lot of the same thoughts. I thought being almost done with the second trimester would mean I am out of the dange zone. NOTHING seems to be easy huh?
I love you girl, and am SO glad everything is OKAY!
YAY FOR SORE TITTIES!!!!
So glad to hear that everything looks good with the little one! I hope that soon you'll feel like you can relax into the pregnancy and be able to enjoy it. It's not fair that we infertiles aren't able to do that right away like everyone else.
Take it easy! You'll be moving into the second trimester before ya know it! XOXO!
So glad everything is ok! I'm hoping you can have an "easy" pregnancy from here on out :) (((HUGS)))
I am really hoping this is the ONLY bump in the road you have, love. It is a fairly common one. Zoloft is safe, FYI. And I am doing surprisingly well without the rest...but will be getting scripts for my return to work...that place drives me over the edge. It is going to be okay!
Sore boobies are a great sign!
I know how you feel with the disconnect, I don't like it, but its my reality too. I can't believe in the capability of my body or connect with the miracle inside me - yet. I just have to trust in God for safety...It isn't easy though!
I wish this was easier for you! Hope for no more issues.
It is so unfair - I've said it before and I'll say it again - when you struggle for so long to get pregnant you should be blessed with a scare free pregnancy. It should be a law!
Love you girl~~so relieved the ultrasound was good. xoxo
It sucks that you don't have a perfect easy pregnancy thus far. I'm sorry you're going through those emotions. Have ou read tasivfer? She is on wordpress and went through/is going through a lot of the same things and feelings as you.
Creatingfamilycode.wordpress.com
i'm so glad the u/s went so well! i know it's hard to let go and enjoy this. i wish i could do all the stressing/worrying for you so you could sit back and relax. big hugs!!!
Oh thank god. I've been worried since I saw your last post! Hearing that everything is good is seriously the best thing I've heard today.
I can't comment much on the rest of your post and your feelings about it, except to just say that it's so unfair that it can't be easy. It seems like infertiles have so much more riding on each pregnancy - not that a fertile person's pregnancy is less meaningful, but after working so hard and having scares like this, I don't blame you one bit for feeling "disconnected." It's an unfortunate side effect that doesn't seem to get much recognition, so thank you for bringing it up and being honest about it.
And on a positive note, congrats on the sore/bigger boobs! lol. Any sign that things are progressing as they should is a good one :)
Awesome news. I'm glad everything looks good.
It may be pointless saying this, but try not to stress about the cramps too much. I got them every time I walked more than 10 feet until I hit the 3rd trimester. They scared the crap out of me the whole time, and I'd hate for you to feel the same.
I'm so glad everything is okay!
I think many of us struggle with the disconnect at first because we don't want to be let down yet again. It's a very hard balance to be excited, but not too excited. Glad to hear the ultrasound went well, and hopefully after a few more reassuring appointments, the disconnect will start to fade.
I'm so glad things ar egoing well so far. I hope that all these little cramps are good signs!
I am so happy everything is okay! I'll be keeping you in my prayers! <3
Great that you got good news and an extra look :)) Been thinking of you since your last post with fingers crossed. Love always xoxo
Wow, so much of that post sounds like the same comments that Julie made in the beginning. I know this is cliche. But each day it will get more exciting, more scary, and more awesome. Even after the baby is born it keeps getting better. One thing I always did was when I was feeling down or frustrated with the situation I would think back to first hearing that Heartbeat and how amazingly cool that was. And remember there are alot of people thinking of you and supporting you. Don't be afraid to use us that is what we are here for.
thanks for stopping by my blog for ICLW. sorry it took me so long to come and say hello. its good to hear that it's taken a while for your boobs to hurt. i always assume that if i were to be pregnant, my boobs would hurt before i missed my period. congrats on our pregnancy! i've followed you on and off for over a hear and so happy to hear of your success. best wishes (Tippy)
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