Before the 1st Ultrasound

Just wanted to take a moment to document some of my thoughts before our ultrasound today.

I am excited and nervous. My biggest fear is that there will be nothing there. Its been a long two weeks since our betas, and who knows what might have happened in the meantime. And as much as I've dreamed of twins and would also love to not have to go thru all of this again, the thought of twins has become a little overwhelming.

I asked ML what he was thinking as we go into the ultrasound. He can't decide if he'd rather see one or two. Seeing two means that we don't have to go through all of this again, but one sure seems to be more manageable!

It took some time to sink in, and still is very surreal, but I am really loving being pregnant. I am feeling great.

I decided after the spotting adventure, that I am going to think of every symptom as communication with our little astroid. Every time I get cramps, I think, oh feel that, little astroid is saying hi, and I stop for a moment and send some love. When I feel hungry constantly, I stop for a moment and say hi to the little growing babe. It feels so much better to respond with love than worry.

And yes, our little bean has officially been named astroid. I asked ML the other night what he'd like to call the little one. Impending Cataclysmic Event(s) was his response. ICE for short. It was actually a very funny conversation. I decided that Astroid sounded a little nicer, but retained some of the power of ICE.

Little One is expecting a baby brother later this Summer. Bestie has been teaching her that the 'baby boy' is in mama's tummy. I walked into the house on Friday and Little One greeted me pointing to my tummy saying 'baby'. It made my heart melt.

I spend a lot of time with my grandma. This past Saturday my uncles and aunt were in town and we all met up for dinner. It was a rare event where my dad's family is all together (without my dad, unfortunately, but thats his deal). I love being with my uncles as they remind me so much of my grandpa who passed, and also of my dad. Their stories and mannerisms, it was a great evening.

So at dinner I told them I had an announcement. My Uncle yelled, "You're Pregnant". As soon as I could confirm, my aunt started screaming, and my other uncle jumped up from the table to give me the biggest most wonderful hug. My grandma was just glowing. It was the most perfect moment. I felt so much love from my family, and their excitement was so real and pure and genuine. I am the oldest grandchild, and I know that they've all been wondering what has taken us so long. I explained that we've been working on this for A LONG time and finally succeeded with IVF. They seemed to understand that this was that much more special of an announcement.

Since my pants started feeling uncomfortably tight last week, I went on craigslist to try and find some used maternity clothes to start expanding my wardrobe. I picked up a big bag of clothing from a woman who it turns out knows my mom from baby classes and recognized my name. (Who doesn't know my mom in this town, geez) As we talked, I found myself telling her that we'd waited a really long time for this miracle and finally used IVF. Seriously none of her business, and I know how gossip spreads in the community. (Ohh, did you hear that Mama Foxy's daughter used IVF?) But it felt right, It felt like the right time to start talking openly about our experience. People can be excited about the pregnancy, while also begin exposed, albeit briefly, to infertility. At this point, I think that everyone who knows we are pregnant, also now knows that we used IVF and struggled for many years.

This all leads me to the naive innocence that has let us share the news with so many folks. I know that the rule of thumb is to wait until 12 weeks, or at least until after the first ultrasound. We didn't really talk about waiting, and I have really loved being able to share the news. Seeing other peoples reactions is a big part of what has made this feel real to me. Their excitement has become my excitement. And besides, part of me really feels like we will need ALL of them to support us if this is not to continue. That and a naive attempt to bring pregnancy loss into the mainstream, if that is part of our journey.

So, I think that sums up a lot of my thoughts at the moment. Thoughts that I hope will continue to grow and evolve after our ultrasound today. Wish us luck!