I am back to work and feeling good. We have the PIO routine down, with heat before and after ML gives each injection. My rump gets a little sorer every day, but it is totally bearable. Every night I take my low dose aspirin, 4mg of Medrol, 20mg of Parloden, 10 mg of Lexapro, and the vagifem suppositories. Every morning I take the progesterone suppository.
This 2ww feels different from the IUI waits. I still feel positive and hopeful, but in a much more subdued kind of way. I also feel more driven by these instincts to take extra good care of myself than I did before. There is something else too, though.
I couldn't go back to sleep last night after my second trip to relieve my bladder. I laid in bed thinking about these feelings and trying to find the words to describe them. My fear in 'saying' them out loud is that they will be misunderstood, misinterpreted, judged, by whoever I say them to, including possibly even in my own mind. But I need to get them out, so that I can work thru them, and let them go.
I mentioned before that this ivf cycle has been hard on ML. A renewed grief has reared its head, and I don't know quite how to deal with it. There are little comments that I am carrying around with me, comments that I want to respect because I know that they are coming from a place of honesty of the loss and grief and fear of this experience. I might be overly sensitive, and this text doesn't begin to convey the tone and context of the conversations. I haven't yet spoken to ML about how I feel, but I will.
After the transfer, when we got in the car to head home, ML handed me the embryo printout and said "Here is the picture of your embryos."
The other night, laying in bed together, we were joking around about "the twins" and I asked ML if he loved them already. He replied, maybe jokingly, "No, I hate them."
Last night I reminded ML that we need to get a bed out of the garage for our new roommate, but that I wouldn't be able to help since I can't lift more than 10 lbs. I admit that I probably could have phrased the reminder better, but he gave me a really hard time about it- As if I shouldn't be trying so hard to protect these embryos' that are hopefully growing inside me.
Later, as we were watching TV together snuggled on the couch, I asked ML if he had any regrets. It was an open ended question, inviting a conversation about this cycle and our journey to start this family, but all I got in return was a "yeah, of course I have regrets."
And finally, as irrational and emotional as this might sound, I am upset that he is not doting on me more. This feels like an irrational thing to say only because he has been incredible, with me every step of the way, attending every appointment, prepping every shot, waiting on me hand and foot while I lived in the couch for a week. I'd be hard pressed to say what more I want from him, I just know that I 'feel' like I want 'more'.
19 comments :
I'm sorry to hear that DH is struggling with this. Our IF is due to male factor as well and my DH has taken it really hard. He feels emasculated. I don't know how to help him through these emotions, all I can do is love him with all my heart.
I'm sorry to hear that ML is having a renewed sense of loss - being on the other end of the spectrum with needing donor eggs, I have had a lot of doubts about our decision and fear over feeling like they will be R's babies and not "mine." These feelings scare me and I am not sure how to deal with them.
I hope that when you talk to ML that he is able to better open up to you about his fears and that you are able to work through them together. I am sure it will not be a particularly easy conversation partly because you are feeling so emotional, and especially if he says things that aren't what you want/need to hear.
I am glad that the PiO shots are going well - I am extremely nervous about starting them myself and reading your blog about your experience with it puts my mind a little at ease.
Thinking of you and hoping everything goes well!
{{{HUGS}}} Gosh. Where to start? There are so many factors at play here. Disappointment in his own body, fear of getting too excited in the event of failure, shock that there are fertilized embryos growing inside of you as opposed to IUI where you hope sperm meets egg, fear of possible pending fatherhood, and the fact that in general, men do the majority of their bonding post-birth and have a hard time internalizing the pregnancy until the woman is showing can all create a perfect storm of what looks like indifference. I say give him some time to process it all, leave subtle hints about how much you love and respect him, highlight the moments where he is your daily hero (to affirm his masculinity as well as affirm that he will be a great dad) and just always refer to the baby as belonging to both of you. In the meantime, hang in there.
Visiting for ICLW...
I'm so sorry that ML is having a hard time with all this. I hope that he is able to open up to you about how he is feeling, and that you two can talk it through.
I'm also hoping that everything goes well for your IVF cycle! Sounds like you have great embryos!!
Oh Foxy, I know how you feel! Sadly, I totally do.
DH started out talking about "you and your baby" in all conversations relating to the pregnancy. He was not excited when I got the postive beta...I think his response was, "great, now you'll have your kid" or something to that extent. He would get annoyed with me when I'd stress about thinking things were not going well (i.e., spotting) and act like its not a big deal. I didn't have the balls to ask him about any regrets - I didn't want to hear the answer to that one.
All of this hurts, it sucks, and its not fair.
But things are changing - and I hope and pray they will for your DH too.
Now my DH is getting excited. He wanted to hold my friend's baby because "he'll need the practice" he got mad at me today at lunch thinking I was ordering "regular" coffee...And he's telling people about the pregnancy - and describing it in postitive terms.
It is getting better.
Hang in there and just know that your DH is working through emotions we can hardly imagine. Guys are wired so differently. They don't have that maternal instinct that we've got to being with so the idea of parenting someone else's genetic child must be so much harder than it would be for us.
I'm sorry you're having to deal with the crummy end of this emotional processing for him. Just believe that it will get better. Try not to expect much from him at this point, that way when his attitude does improve, it will be a happy surprise :)
Hugs.
You sound so strong. It's a difficult process for both of you, your DH will get there in the end :)
Oh how I understand exactly where you are coming from. Almost word for word...even down to the doting.
DH felt so many of same things ML is. We have talked about it a little..but what I have noticed is that the farther our pregnancy goes, the more into it he is. At the beginning he said "I am glad this is happening for you, since it is what you have always wanted". That statement seems innocent enough- but it is the WAY it was said. With saddness.With Regret.
The first ultrasound site was amazing, and I think it helped when I said "awww- OUR baby". I think women tend to say "my baby", not b/c we think it is more ours than our husbands- but just b/c it is in our womb. I try to make a point to say "our" baby "our" pregnancy and "we" instead of me.
The 12 and 20 week ultrasounds brought a lot of emotions- everyone will look at the and try to 'see' which parent the baby looks like. I purposefully don't even try to do this. There will be no "it has your husband's chin" that do not also have pain attatched to that statement.
I will be thrilled if people see my husband in his face (or her face), but that statement will still...sting.
I had visions of laying in bed together, caressing my belly. He will kiss it goodbye, and pat it every once in a while. I don't know if it the donor or not....but in the back of my mind it is...even if it isn't.
This shit just doesn't go away...but I does lessen with time.
((HUGS))
Hey, found your blog through ICLW, and I'm glad I did.
I can't imagine the conflict of emotions your husband is going through. I hope he is able to find some peace with the road you've both chosen to persue, and you will both get good news very soon.
I look forward to following your journey.
congrats on having 2 blasts to freeze! i'm sorry that DH is having a hard time with this. i hope that you're able to open the lines of communication with him and work through it together.
I don't know how different it is in a situation where donor sperm are used, but my dad (ever the realist) is very fond (me not so fond) of reminding me that for all our romantic notions, dad's don't really love their babies right away. We've all heard that a mother is a mother from the moment she knows she is pregnant - with a deep bond to her baby - but my dad insists I shouldn't expect the same thing from my husband cause I will be sorely disappointed.
I'm sure this isn't the case for every guy, but it is probably true for many of them.
I can't imagine the sting of hearing these comments from your hubby right now; as you are going through all this and sending so much love to those embryos inside you. I think the fact that you are so understanding of where his words are coming from, and the pain behind them, is crucial, and I'm a believer that, given time, your husband will come to feel like a father to your baby(ies), and he'll find a way to recover from the loss of his own biological connection to them.
Sending you lots of hugs.
You DO need more. You need his unconditional love and support. And I mean unconditional. His fear of failure has been realized, but now he needs to admit it and find out how to move past it. He can't live forever thinking of them as 'yours' and not both of yours. You all have got to talk it out. Though I know brushing the subject is extremely difficult, especially when the other half is so far an unwilling participant. I'm sorry Hun. Breaking dishes is always an option. Just lemme know whatever you need. I'm not so far from you so it can be arranged. :)
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I'm glad you posted about this. Meaning..I'm NOT glad that he's acting this way, but I'm glad you shared. My DH has said things similar that have hurt as well. When we told my parents about our infertility and our journey, he kept saying "SHE" (referring to me) instead of WE. "She's had 4 IUI's and none of them worked". Later on I told him "sweetie, WE have had four IUI's. When we are expecting would you say 'she's expecting?'..no, you'll say that WE are expecting a baby"
He even made statements like this with our lawyer when I broke down in his office and revealed what was going on...which angered me even further. I told him that when he makes statements referring to how hurt I was it makes it sound like I am the one forcing him to do all of this and that he doesn't want children! which is quite the contrary.
So it sounds like from your post, and the other azoo commenters that this is pretty normal behavior.
In terms of the process, I think because it's just the "waiting" game now and ML has nothing to "Do" now. No more appointments to attend, no more egg-growing shots, etc. (Is he giving you PIO?) And that fact accompanied with the donor thing is what is making him detached. I pray that he'll come around quickly. I know you need his support right now!
Well, I would very surprised if his own feelings about using DS are crystal clear to him at this point. Theoretical donor sperm is one thing. Actual embryos inside your wife created with donor sperm is an entirely different thing. It sounds like his conflicted feelings and possible confusion about those are coming out in these little zingy comments. From everything you've written about your relationship with ML, you will be able to work through this and come out of it closer as a couple. But I think you're right: you probably need to have a talk about it.
Sending you warm hugs, dear Foxy.
Men process things so differently, it's hard to know what they're really thinking or feeling but I think he will come around soon. I'll never understand why some have to go this journey but I do think it takes strong couples to go through IF. Hang in there!
Great that you have 2 little frozen ones and that you're feeling so positive and at peace... great way to start the 2WW :)) I agree... men seem to process this whole IVF thing differently... and come up with all sorts of strange reactions. Hope you get more soon xoxo
I'm sorry that you are dealing with those comments from ML. I second (or fifth?) what previous commenters have said that the farther into pregnancy you get, the more he'll get into it. My DH wasn't really into my pregnancy at all, so I was really worried about what would happen when the baby was here. He's totally taken with her, and didn't want to hand her over to me last night. We haven't talked about the donor sperm thing at all since she's been born, but I don't think he thinks about that at all-- it's his little girl.
I was in the middle of sending you an email thanking you for the wonderful voicemail today and I thought, "I better catch up on her blog real quick". So here I am :)
I completely agree with what the others have said here. This is much more "real". I don't think men really have any idea how they are going to feel/react/think about anything until they actually reach that step. Just give him space and let him work through his stuff, he will come around. Now that said, he does need to be there for you. You are the one with the hormones all over the place from all the shots (and hopefully pregnancy hormones!).
Hugs and love!
I am so sad for you, sad that you have had to deal with these comments, sad that you have to face your hubby who is greiving so hard. I can only imagine how difficult this must be for him and how hard for you to face the 2ww without the level of love an dsupport you had hoped for. Sending you both love and strength and all I can suggest is that you keep offering him those opportunities to express how he is feeling and get his thoughts out in the open.
my hugs to ML, because we never dealt with that part of IF I don't have any advice. Plus I think he should dote more, this is not because I love you (which I do!!!) but because where you are, what's your body has been through the past few weeks, it needs to be nourished with TLC, and lots of hugs.
Just let him know that the love he gives, he gets back too.
sending lots and lots of hugs. CRAMPING???????? ;)
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