Our support group of family and friends tell us all the time "Just let us know what you need, how we can help." It is a nice thing for them to say, but I don't know how to respond.
I've jokingly told my mom that I need her to advance male reproductive science by 20 years. and I know that she would if she could.
They have been pretty incredible, actually, anticipating our needs, and showing heroic levels of compassion. They all know that silence means bad news or a bad mood, and reach out accordingly when I retreat into periods of depression. They ask me respectful questions about our next steps and carefully check with me before bringing the topic up. I couldn't ask for more, really.
When I stop and think about what I need, I find myself distracted by appreciation for all that I have already. Bringing myself back to the question... What do I need? Can I challenge myself to articulate the things that I have already and find words to ask for the things that I think might be helpful?
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| I bought myself a $3 bouquet of daffodils at the Farmers Market on Tuesday. They are so beautiful and fragrant and make me smile every time I see them :) |
- I need to know that I am not alone - literally. I need ML to attend appointments with me. I need to know that ML or other visitors will be able to stay with me at home after the ER/ET.
- I need to know that there are people who will listen to me talk about this experience... on this blog, in support groups, on the phone, via emails, in person, etc. The more I can talk about this experience, the more I can normalize it, and the less traumatic it feels.
- I need people to reach out to me when I retreat into myself - with phone calls, voice messages, text messages, cards, emails, and invitations. Call ML to make arrangements to come over to visit if you can't get me on the phone...or just show up and give me a hug.
- I need people to help me 'care for me'. There are so many things on my mind and I need help acting on the things that nourish me. Pick me up and take me to farmers market for good food, cook good meals with me, make a massage/spa date with me, take me to an exercise class with you, the point being that I need you to take the lead in planning these nurturing activities for me.
- I need to laugh and smile. Funny cards, Funny movies, giggles with Little One, etc
- I need permission to say no. I have a limited emotional capacity and am doing my best to ration it out.
- I need to get out of our routine every so often. A road trip, a different restaurant, mini vacations... I get into ruts at home, and a change of scenery does wonders for my perspective.
I'm sure that there is more. Things that I need specifically from our RE, from my therapist, from ML... But this is my start. What would you add?
7 comments :
This is a very important question. I think I need a therapist. You made it clear that it's so important with support around and to feel safe to express your self.
It sounds like you have a great family.
Wow, that is a loaded question. I am not sure what I would add - other than the obvious - I need this to work. If is doesn't work, I need to continue to become closer to my husband as we go through this. I need to remember what 'normal' is - and how to just be.
Sounds like you are very blessed with a wonderful and supportive family!
I think it's a great list you've got going there. The people that support you must also be okay with, and not be angered by, you flipping out because of hormones or overanalyzing every little possible pregnancy symptom. To understand that if you are bitchy with them, it's not really THEM, and forgive you unconditionally.
Love you, sweetie.
What a great self-care step you are taking by listing out what it is you need. Instead of this vague sense of needing something from those around you, you have actually taken the time to spell it out. I'm willing and able to do my part to support you by keeping you in my thoughts and leaving you comments to let you know I'm with you. It would be great if we live closer and I could pick you up for a yoga class :)
Wow! I think I need to make a list like this, and somehow make myself think about what I really need. I wish that I was closer, and that I could make you go out and do something fun with me. I understand.
That's a great question from your therapist, and I'm so glad that you're able to focus on what you'll need while you're going through this intense cycle. (She says, never having done it herself.)
Also, let me know if you get anywhere with that advancing of male reproductive science by 20 years. 'Cause I'd like to get in on that action too.
It sounds like you're doing just great and I am cheering for you!
I'm always here for you to listen, to be a friend and to remind you are more than enough right now and downright amazing, actually.
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