When we got married in March of 2004 we were immediately inundated with the next big question - "When are you going to have a baby?". We knew that we weren't yet ready to start a family, not really sure when we would be, but knew that we had to have an answer to this question.
Not so much because it was our plan, but because we knew that the question wouldn't go away until we answered it, we started telling people - "5 years. We'll start our family in 2009." It was awesome. We pulled it off with such confidence that everyone backed off. Five years felt like a ton of time.
We've never used real birth control, because the pill always made me feel sick (and for whatever reason the idea of controlling my hormones like that just kind of freaked me out.) We used condoms for a long time, then sometime in 2005 or 2006 switched to the "pull and pray" method (aka withdrawal.) It worked for us, and while we weren't planning to get pregnant, I think that I was ready, and we both knew that it was a possibility. This method basically put ML in control of determining when the pull the trigger, so to speak.
After a couple of, what I thought at the time were going to be fateful, moments in 2007, we abandoned any method of prevention in January of 2008. I was grateful that we'd 'bought' ourselves this time to privately share the love and excitement. Everyone assumed that we were waiting until 2009 to start trying. I assumed that we would be welcoming a new addition to our family in 2009.
2009 was supposed to be such a great year.
Instead, 2009 started us on our infertility journey. I started a challenging new job. ML remained out of work watching the job market collapse (after losing his job in Nov 2008). We got ML's Azoospermia diagnosis in July, in September my bestie gave birth to little one, then a biopsy showed that there was no sperm production in October, and over Thanksgiving our beloved dog got sick and after a week in the Veterinary ICU we had to say goodbye. It was like we had become a punching bag and life just kept hitting us. I actually walked around holding my breath and physically bracing myself for the next hit.
I counted the hours until 2009 was behind us.
All I asked of 2010 was that the hits stopped coming at us. I didn't expect much. I was in shock from the trauma of 2009 and just needed a break. And all things considered, 2010 offered me just what I needed. I reorganized my support team so that it provided me the strength that I needed. I gained so many new coping skills, and have slowly regained control over my life.
The end of 2010 has brought work for ML (with a few additional projects lining up for 2011) and the chance for us to finally begin actually trying to start our family. I really do have so much to be grateful for.
We have been able to afford all of the treatment costs we've incurred this year. Which is amazing really since ML was out of work for so long, but somehow we've done it without eating into our savings. Don't get me wrong, it does make me a little sick to see that 25% of our gross income has been spent on infertility treatment, but the stronger feeling is of gratitude. I am beyond grateful that our choices have not been driven by financial restrictions.
My relationship with ML is stronger than ever. I love him more than I ever thought possible. We've been through so much together in these past couple years. The stress of infertility, of male factor infertility, coupled with unemployment definitely qualified for the "worse" portion of our vows!
I have a newfound sense of self. A confidence that I am stronger than I ever gave myself credit for being. This journey is no longer happening to me, it is mine, it is who I am. And while I may not be able to control the things that happen, I can control the way that I frame them.
This is my story to write.
Happy New Year.
