I told ML that I feel like my life has no purpose. Without kids, without my own family.
But then I feel selfish and guilty. My life is as close to perfect as I could have ever imagined it could be. But there is this one thing, this one basic and fundamental thing that is missing. and without this one thing, my life is incomplete. it is worthless. it is meaningless.
I couldn't bear to get out of bed yesterday. and then the tears started and didn't stop all day. I had to call my boss and tell her that I was a blithering idiot and not suitable to be seen in public. She understood and was nice about it, but I still felt like crap for leaving her hanging unprepared for an important meeting.
This feeling is partly an anticipation of the FNA results that we are waiting for next week, I know that anxiety is just building up inside of me.
This is also about just wanting so much to be on the other side of this. and until I get there, my life is just a series of actions that are only intended to pass the time.
This depression feels very different than what I felt last year. Last year I was consumed by shock and grief and fear, which left me so overwhelmed with emotions that the pain was nearly unbearable.
This year, it feels much more cerebral. I am dealing with the grief, and am building good coping skills to manage the anxiety of waiting. And now, there is space for this underlying belief to rise to the surface. What is the point? What is the point of any of this when it has nothing to do with my purpose for being?
Last year, I felt no hope, I experienced no real joy or laughter. I really was just going thru the motions because I was so caught up in my own grief and pain. This year that fog has lifted. I have laughed, I can envision our Someday, I have re-engaged with friends and family and community work. But beneath it all is this truth, this truth that my most fundamental reason for being is missing.
I get that this daily routine of going to work and paying the bills and so on and so forth is necessary. But it suddenly feels so damn meaningless.
11 comments :
Just sending a hug.
Aww, im sorry ur feeling crappy :( Hope you can do something fun this weekend to lift your spirits!
Sounds like things are pretty hard, even if they are not like last year. I'm very sorry that life feels so meaningless right now. Depression is so full of malice, I feel. It's a malicious thief, one that robs you of the meaningful parts of life. I hate it. I wish it would leave you alone.
It's so hard to keep going, Foxy, but do keep going. Your life already has meaning, even if it doesn't feel like it. And your life will have children.
Sending you warm hugs, my friend.
I am so sorry that you're going through this right now. Have you talked to anybody about it? Counseling or what not? I hope you feel better babe.
I've felt the exact same way. I even told my husband the same thing, "My life is pointless, it has no meaning." I felt bad afterwards because he said, "You mean I'm not enough?" I felt horrible!
The thought of our next IVF not working really scares me.
Hang in there, we're in this together. I hope you feel better soon.
Sending you a great big hug.
I hear ya!
I regularly comment that my life has no meaning, no direction, I don't know what my purpose is here because I want to be a Mum and I won't be.
I then get told that alot of people envy the life I have. I work 4 days a week, I have a house we built, I have a new car, two dogs, a loving husband that does love me unconditionally and we have enough cash to usually buy what we wish.
Which is of course all true but it still doesn't make up for the one thing that most take for granted.
It sucks.
Never before have I wished so much to be so "normal" than I do right now.
Big hugs
xx
Your life has meaning to me, sweet lady. You are an advocate, you are well-written, and you make my day so many days. I know that you feel as though things are pointless. Suffering from depression is so difficult, even when life is perfect. But to me, you are NOT pointless. HUGS.
I know how your feeling, somedays I feel like nothing is fun anymore. I can't picture a life without children, without that family, and each day that goes by I feel further removed from the world. All I can say is that there are always ups and downs and for us this is a real down, I need to have faith that there is an up around the corner, just waiting for us!
I'm so sorry, Foxy. It is a hard place to be, missing what you long for most, and with no idea when and how to get there. Thinking of you.
I'm reading randomly, so I don't know if the fog has lifted yet, but I will tell you that when I read this, I felt it with you. I remember those 4 years even when I know that I am past it (sometimes...) I read a post like this and I am right back there, in that dark place.
I hate that you are going through this, I hate that the depressions come, I hate that you are sad. I am here with internet hugs..and lots and lots of support
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