One of the biggest things that I have gained from this journey is a deeper compassion for people. Compassion:
A deep awareness of and sympathy for another's suffering
Understanding without judgment.
I have been shown kindness at so many critical moments by people who had no idea how much their words or actions could possibly mean to me and who had no idea that I was struggling. This infertility has consumed me for so long, and yet, most of the people who interact with me on any given day have no idea. They have no idea that I am in so much pain, that I am so emotionally exhausted, that while I am talking to them I am at the same time thinking about my cycle and our next biopsy and so on and so forth.
They have no idea that there is a secret that I am concealing.
Back to facebook - - - A photo had been tagged in the album of 'Sam Smith' (names changed of course to respect the privacy of those involved). I have a professional colleague named 'Suzy Smith' and wondered if Sam might be her brother. (My sister works with me an I hadn't realized that she worked with her siblings also.) I clicked over to see Sam's page and it had a picture of Suzy. I noticed a link to a blog and clicked through.
The blog was all about Suzy's transgender experience and her recent transition to become Sam. Sam wrote incredible posts about being outed to the community, about not fitting in with traditional social structures, and about the support that comes with breaking the silence. I don't need to 'know' Sam's experience to know that it had been a hard path.
Reading thru Sam's posts I was struck at the similarities we've experienced on our different journeys. I tried to write more about those similarities, but can't seem to get the words right, and really don't want to inadvertently marginalize anyones journey or experience.
Sam and I have been colleagues for some time. We've attended the same events and know who each other are, yet we've never had the opportunity to really talk beyond the social introductions. To be honest, I'm not sure that I would have really known what to talk about beyond our work.
However, the reality is that, at each of those social events, we were both struggling with deeply personal challenges. We were both wearing a mask of social happiness and had anyone asked, we would have both responded that life was good, we were fine, concealing the truth to protect our souls.
It's not that I ever assumed that my journey, that my pain, that my struggle was somehow 'special', but it is so hard to see beyond the social masks to know that I really am not alone. It reminds me that there is always a reason for compassion and kindness, even when it may seem unnecessary, even when we may not know the secret that a person is concealing.
I have so many more thoughts that are just not translating very well.
Sam is an awesome writer and I immediately added his blog to my reader. Someday, I hope that I have the chance and am brave enough to tell Sam what his words mean to me.
6 comments :
Oh man, that quote needs to go on my desk at work and on my fridge at home. It is so easy to make assumptions about people without knowing the hardships they have lived through. I struggle with this on a daily basis, especially when dealing with students. Once I get to know some of my students personally, I realize that there is a lot we as humans share - pain, joy, stress, happiness, loss. All of those things. If only we were to live each day with an awareness that everyone has gone through some struggle or some challenge and try to treat them with kindness and understanding because of our shared humanity....
And hugs to you for what you are going through. I remember the day one of our doctors told us we might not conceive a biological child. I went home and cried for weeks....but then I realized there are other alternatives out there. Luckily, our doctor was wrong, but I still entertain adopting a second child because of my interfility issues. Hugs hugs hugs...xo...tenure track mommy.
This is such a great quote, one that everyone should hold fast to every day.
How incredible -- I too have a friend who is transgendered (FTM)! Often I have felt that our lives are mirrored in odd ways. We have such deep discussions about our issues, even though they seem to have nothing in common on the outside. If you have a chance to talk with her about this, I would try!
I had a friend post that on her FB a few months after she lost her 5 week old daughter to SIDS. I hold tight to those words a lot. The last few years (dealing with infertility and then my husband becoming addicted to pain killers) I have learned that we never, ever really know what another person is going through and to remember that when I'm dealing with people on a daily basis. I was extremely vocal about our infertility, but when it came to my husband's issues I totally kept that inside. When it finally came out my parents (who live next door), our closest friends and colleages were totally shocked that this could be going on right under their noses.
The struggles that the transgender community face are amazing. I admire the strength of these men and women so much, and I thank you for posting something about this. HUGS.
awww. That is amazing that he is open about it. I can't even imagine the pain, struggle, determination, and iron will that the transgender community has to go through.
It is true- you just never know the struggles the person that is sitting next to us is going through.
you're so right, thanks for reminding me...that we never know what someone else is going through.
HUGS
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