Last time I cried while I waited, but today I feel ....
How do I feel?
I'm not crying.
We've done everything that could possibly be done to try and get this sperm. This is the exhaustion of all our options. We've left no stone unturned. So, at this point, it is what it is.
It is strange to not have my head full of racing swirling thoughts at a moment like this. Instead I feel strangely calm and collected. I might even say that I feel capable of rationally making decisions about what to do next.
We won't get our results from this FNA map for two weeks - by October 15th. The results will give us some percentage of success at finding sperm in an mTESE. One way or another, we will be able to move forward after October 15th. This part of the waiting game will be over. We close this chapter of the book and move on to a new chapter.
I planned to take the rest of this week off work, as I've learned to plan for the worst with every procedure and every time we get test results. I am also going to block off some time after we get the results. Grieving is really hard work.
10 comments :
It is indeed hard work. It's good to have a Uro you like...we liked both of ours. The first one, who was a referral is named, and I kid you not, Dr. Seaman. I mean, it was either be a uro or in the navy, right? LMAO. When the nurse gave us the referral I had to ask her if she was serious.
Anyway, total tangent. I am glad you are feeling calmer. Which probably just means it will hit later, but enjoy it now! HUGS.
There sometimes can be relief in knowing, don't you find? Even if the news is the worst case scenario, at least living with the not-knowing stops. I wonder if that has anything to do with your head not racing with thoughts, or your tears not streaming down your beautiful face.
2 weeks sounds bearable in terms of waiting for the results to come back, although tomorrow morning would be better. I am so glad to hear that you have tomorrow and Friday off to rest and regroup. Whichever way you will be heading post Oct.15, you surely will need some stamina, so building a reserve is wise.
Sending you many hugs, Foxy. Thank you for tagging me on the previous post. I will reply with a post in kind, and will let you know when I do.
Grieving can take a lot out of you. I've taken the past two days off... not for grieving, for a stomach bug, but I have to admit, sleeping all day isn't a bad thing. ;) I'm glad you've had such a good experience with the urologist. I was kinda indifferent about both of the ones D saw... although the first one was appropriately named Dickinson. We laughed about that one. Glad you are feeling calmly about it. Knowing is so much better than not knowing- as crazy as it sounds. Thinking about you!
It always helps to have a good doctor you love. :-) I will swing by his blog too. Thank for sharing.
I think of of you often and keep hoping for you. I am SO sad to hear your news.
I can understand the numb calm that comes from having multiple disappointments. I am in that grieving waiting place with you.
I am happy to hear that your urologist is such a great guy. I will spread the word.
Thanks for the link.
Waiting is hard. I hope you get good answers in mid-October, of course, but even if the news is bad being able to move on will help. Thinking of you.
I love the way you care for yourself, it makes me so proud of you...I just hate that you have to do it, you know?
wishing you some good luck for the 15th and promising to be "here" no matter what happens. *HUG*
Better late for ICLW than never? I'm still playing catch-up. At any rate, that's how I found you, in addition to your being on some of my blogbuddies' blogrolls. So hi there! That said...
I'm so glad you've found a doctor who's a good fit for you all. I'm still uncertain about the choice we've made, and so it's good to read about other options and people who are downright delighted with their decision. I hopehopehope you find the sperm you seek.
Take good care,
lady pumpkin
I'm glad that right now you find yourself at peace w/where you are in the process. I hope that whatever the results, the feeling that you've taken all the necessary steps and left no stone unturned stays with you.
I'm a bit behind - but I'm thinking of you, and hoping that you're okay (eventually) with how you're going to move on from here. In the meantime, I'll be waiting with my fingers and toes crossed for you!
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