Shout Out to a New Friend

I just wanted to quickly welcome StarFishKittyDreams to this wonderful blogging community! She just stared her own blog Waiting for Baby and is stuck that difficult waiting place. Her journey started with a positive pregnancy test in early 2008 that ended in a miscarriage, another positive pregnancy test in 2009 that ended in a miscarriage, and now a positive pregnancy test but an ultrasound that is showing growing yet empty gestational sac.

From the moment I first met StarFishKittyDreams I appreciated her welcoming spirit and her positive outlook on the future. She is a beautiful soul and I am so happy to introduce her to my other blogging friends. Please drop by her little corner of this interweb and let her know that she is not alone on this journey.

A new Support Group?

My mom sent me an email a couple weeks ago about a woman who approached her and wanted to start an infertility support group.

My mom runs a parent education program for new moms to attend with their little ones. It is an amazing program that she started twenty five years ago. I could brag about my mom all day long, she really is an incredible woman who has helped so many thousands of new moms grow into beautiful loving supportive parents. Her program is like the one stop shop for all new parents in our community, and absolutely everyone knows my mom. Because she talks about me and my sisters in all of her classes, and has our pictures up all over her office, everyone also knows me.

So anyways, I'd thought a lot about whether or not it would make sense for her program to host an infertility support group. Her program is so loving and supportive, and although it is a center designed for moms and babies, it somehow seemed logical that it would be the perfect place to host a support group. The nearest RESOLVE group is hours away from our little community, and although I don't know anyone else here who shares our struggle, I'll bet that we are not the only infertile couple in town! 

The challenge I struggled with was whether or not I would be able to actually engage with a group that was offered at my mom's program. There would be no anonymity. If I attended, everyone would know who I am. Regardless of agreements of confidentiality, anything I shared would inevitably seep its way into the small town memory where everyone knows everything about you. As much as I'd love to have a group of infertile friends who I could meet and share support with, I concluded that it was a little too close to home for me. And really, even if I could have reconciled the other issues, I just didn't have the energy or capacity to start and facilitate a group.

But then when I got the email from my mom about a lady who was going to start up a local group, I got really excited. I wanted it to start meeting right away. I wanted to meet some local friends who understood, who I could get together for lunch with, or go for a walk with. It seemed so perfect.

So yesterday I opened my email to get another email from my mom with a flyer attached for the support group. I downloaded the pdf. It was a double sided trifold, a little overwhelming to start with. It announced a new Infertility and Adoption support group that would meet once per month. It had a few quotes from women mentioning isolation. And then there was a statement saying that "babies are welcome, as always".

I caught my breath when I read it. I mean, this place where the group will be held is designed for moms and babies, all of their classes and programs welcome babies. It is like the most supportive welcoming place for babies. So I don't know why I was so surprised to see that... but I was. 

I kept reading. There was a description of the group, and it talked about infertility and adoption. Then it talked about parenting issues that adoptive parents face. Then it had a very brief bio on the facilitator that included a statement about how she is adopting a baby thru the local adoption center.

I know that I am super emotionally sensitive, but my god, why am I so bothered by that brochure. I read the brochure and thought immediately and instinctively, this is not a group for me. This is not a group for infertile people. To clarify, this group sounds awesome for infertile people who are at a very specific place on their journey, and it is a place that I am just not at.

The thing is, my mom sent me the flyer to get my feedback. So I replied with a few of these initial thoughts. It sounds like it will be a great support group - for parenting after infertility. (and I totally think that is an important and necessary topic!!) I guess I just feel like it is too presumptuous to assume that we will all need that kind of support. 

This has all settled into my heart and stomach in a funny way. an unsettled way. I think I wanted it to be something else. I wanted it to be something for me. So here I am with a funny feeling. Should I go to the first meeting, and see how it plays out? It might be awesome, and give me hope for the future. Or it might be terrible and leave me feeling assaulted. (Where did that word -assaulted- just come from? I just typed it out, and there it is.)

I'll talk to my mom, she knows the facilitator lady and will probably have a better assessment of her intent, and maybe we just need to change the flyer. Maybe I am just a basket case.

My Scarlet Pain

My Scarlet Pain

I’ve been thinking about how to say these things all week. I’m going to try my best to get it all out on paper, but I know it is not going to make sense the way I need it to. It will sound contradictory and whiney, but there is a feeling that I need to communicate, so I’m going to give it my best shot.

I realized last weekend when my girlfriends and I had that discussion about hope that the people around me don’t have any idea how much pain I am in. They know that I am having a hard time in this struggle, and they are so kind and loving, but they just can’t comprehend it. My boss is wonderful and so accommodating and says nice things like “even at your worst, you are better than most of the people we work with at their best”. I couldn’t ask of anything more of the people in my life, but they just don’t know.

They are all looking to me for guidance as to how to be supportive and helpful. I don’t have anything to offer them. 

They are all watching my mood to gauge how I am doing. And when my mood is low, they can see that I am in pain. I need for them to know that I am in pain. I need them to know that I am struggling. Somehow their acknowledgement of my pain makes it real, makes it legitimate, makes it valid. Somehow it is easier to carry this feeling when it is acknowledged by others, and the only way they know to acknowledge it is to see me sad.

I feel like this infertility (aka pain, loss, fear, etc) is now a part of who I am, and yet I am struggling to incorporate it into the self that I was and to emerge in some sort of balanced way. 

I am so done with feeling so low. I am so ready to let some sunlight in, to let some bright warm light shine on my soul. and Yet I am struggling with how to acknowledge the pain, while letting happiness in. 

When I smile and act happy, people around me think that everything is okay.  It’s as if there is no pain, there is no sadness, I am not scared or worried, there is no unfullfilled purpose. If I am happy, then those other emotions must not exist. This is such an oversimplified view, but it is the best I can do to explain it. 

I know that all of these emotions can co-exist together. That I can experience happiness and sadness, pleasure and pain all in the same moment. Emotions are not mutually exclusive, they are not black and white.  I know that. 

But somehow, I feel like I am betraying my pain by wishing to make room for other feelings, by letting other people see that there is room for other feelings to fit. How could my pain possibly be as big as I say it is if there is space to experience pleasure and joy?

I wish that there was some way that I could visually show the world just how big and real this struggle is. Some way that even as I laugh or dance, that everyone will see that I am burdened by this additional powerful emotion. Even if they can’t comprehend my experience of this struggle, I want them to know that it is always with me.

Sharing

I think that I am going to share my blog with my mom.

I can't stop thinking about the sweet sweet comments that Julie's mom and Alison's mom have left them, and want my mom to know about these awesome supportive blog friends I've discovered.

Just Because - Favorite Children's Books

I remember our home always being rich with children's activities. We had books galore, and always had someone to read to us.

Kakunaa wrote a great post about her favorite Children's Books, and it got me thinking about all of my favorite books.... the books that I want to include when I build on my vision for my Someday Family. When I picture my future with children's things scattered around the house, I picture these things laying around.

I think that The Runaway Bunny might be my all time favorite book. It is so sweet and shows the unconditional love of a mother for her little bunny. Sometimes I feel like our journey to parenthood shadows this story.


“If you become a fish in a trout stream,” said his mother, "I will become a fisherman and I will fish for you.”

“If you become a rock on the mountain high above me," said his mother, "I will become a mountain climber, and I will climb to where you are.”

“If you become a bird and fly away from me", said his mother, "I will be a tree that you come home to.”

Mike Mulligan and the Steam Shovel is another one that I love. I think that I have probably read it a thousand times, as it was one that I used to carry with me in my babysitting bag of tricks and all the kids I watched loved it as well. Again it is a story about loyalty and unconditional love, mixed in with determination to persevere thru the most hopeless and challenging conditions.

Reading it now, I relate to the outpouring of love and support that helped fuel Mike and Mary Anne (his steam shovel) to achieve what seemed impossible.

I recently discovered this series of books by Sibylle von Olfers. I love the illustrations and the way that each story connects nature with imagination. I actually bought a whole bunch of these books off ebay - some of them are for gifts, but there is a complete set sitting on my bookshelf for My Someday family.

Someday, I will read these stories to my children and talk about the seasons, and imagine that snowflakes are really little snow children.


Please tell me that you all remember this record... I LOVED this record as a kid. I remember listening to this record in the living room while my mom put my little sister down for her nap. I was 3, maybe 4 years old. The record was a mix of songs and little stories, all with the message that you are perfect just the way you are.

There was a 25th anniversary edition book published recently that I randomly found at the book store. It is crazy how all of my memories of these songs and stories came rushing back to me. I bought a bunch of copies of the book, and have been giving them away as birthday presents.


It feels so good to think about the future so positively. I really do have a section of my bookshelf reserved to hold the growing library of books that I will someday read to my little ones. Until then, I am grateful for this space and for being able to share these books with you.

My experience with Acupuncture

Every so often someone asks about acupuncture so I thought I'd share my experience with you. Basically, I tried it, but didn't like it, and it turns out that it wasn't going to help us anyways.

I want to clarify that this was my experience. Others love and swear by acupuncture, so please don't take my word as gospel.

ML and I had been ttc for about 16 months when my massage therapist suggested that I try accupuncture. I made an appt right away.

At my first appt, the accupuncturist explained that in order for accupuncture to work I would need to come 3 times per week for at least 3 months. At $135 per visit (she was willing to give us a discounted rate of $85) I was caught off-guard. I hadn't realized that it was going to require that kind of commitment. But I was really starting to worry that there was something wrong and that we needed to do something to help us conceive. I thought that I could try it 2x per week for a month.

The session lasted about 45 minutes. She put some needles in my hands, arms, feet, legs, stomach, ear and head. Then she left the room and left me alone for the next 40 minutes. I don't like being places alone and layed in the treatment room caught up in my worry and waiting for the time to pass. She came back in the room and seemed surprised when I said that I was bored. She said that people usually go to sleep and get very relaxed. The truth was that I was very anxious and definitely not relaxed.

I went for my second session a few days later, again hating being left alone in the room for an hour and caught up in my head with negative thoughts about our ttc efforts. Again she was surprised that I was not relaxed afterwards, and almost lectured me about needing to relax. If the purpose of acup. is to relax, there are so many other things I would prefer to do in order to relax. She almost implied that if I wasn't open to letting the acup work, then it would not.

I told my husband that I was doing acupuncture, and he balked saying that there were no legitimate studies showing that it was effective. We talked about the power of the placebo effect, and agreed that if I felt that ap was helpful, then we would treat it like a massage and consider it something pleasurable and worth spending $ on.

I went for my third session, and after a similar experience that led me to tears in the car when I left, I decided that acup was not the right thing for me. I hated being left alone in the treatment room, and hated the implication that I had too much energy and wasn't letting the ap relax me.

Shortly after my acupuncture attempts, we got our azoos diagnosis. As it turns out all the acupuncture in the world wouldn't have helped me get pregnant. I actually hold some resentment of the practitioner. As a medical professional, I feel like she let me down by implying that our struggles were something that she could fix if I would just commit to working with her.

I want to write her a letter, just to let her know how I feel about the whole thing, but it hasn't been a priority for me.

I am so grateful to be able to read about the experience of others, and just wanted to share my experience with acupuncture in case anyone else finds it helpful. 

Hope is a big word

I spent the afternoon today with a couple girlfriends.

I'd wanted to go to the spa, where I could get some much needed pampering, and lie in the sunshine next to the pool. They are two really great girls, always happy to go with the flow, very supportive, and always a good time. Getting them motivated to get out of the house and focus on an outcome can be a challenge though. We'd talked last night about spending the day at the spa, and again this morning confirmed our plans.  I got dressed up and packed my bag this morning. I really could use a good massage and envisioned the day wearing a plush robe with cozy slippers curled on a lounge next to a firepit.

By the time we got out of the house it was much later in the afternoon than I'd expected, and not really worth the money anymore to head to the spa. The treatments are expensive, but worth it if you can make a day of it and enjoy the facilities. So instead, we drove around for a while, searching for some sunshine, and ended up crashing a garden party at a fancy hotel.

We had a conversation about hope, that started when one friend recited an Emily Dickinson poem:


"Hope" is the thing with feathers—
That perches in the soul—
And sings the tune without the words—
And never stops—at all—

And sweetest—in the Gale—is heard—
And sore must be the storm—
That could abash the little Bird
That kept so many warm—

I've heard it in the chillest land—
And on the strangest Sea—
Yet, never, in Extremity,
It asked a crumb—of Me. 

I'm not going to be able to re-create the conversation, but it was striking. Like a snap-shot that perfectly captured why it I feel so alone sometimes.

They started talking about how great it is that hope is ever-present, that bird in our soul that never stops singing. I disagreed, saying that hope is delicate and fragile and requires constant attention. The hope that I know takes so much energy to cultivate.

We talked about despair, the opposite of hope. They felt that it was despair that required the emotional energy.

Starting this blog was a manifestation of hope that had been so elusive for me. Being able to envision my "Someday", one that included a family, took me a long time. For nearly a year after our diagnosis I felt no hope. There was no bird. The song had stopped.

Finding hope for our future again has taken a lot of work on my part. Kind of like a garden that I have to plan and tend to, that takes time to grow, and needs the right nutrients and water and sunshine. I've worked so hard to regain a sense of hope and nurture it. Whereas despair takes energy, I have to give huge amounts of energy to maintain hope.

I don't know if they understood what I tried to explain. It was actually a depressing conversation. I hadn't realized how depressing I might sound to the people around me. But this is how I feel.

Wikipedia defines hope as a belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one's life. Hope is the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best.

I want so much to believe that our circumstances will turn out for the best, and intend to keep nurturing that idea.

How do you maintain and nurture hope on this journey?

Little Bits of Gratitude

A short little post to share my gratitude this week. I am grateful for....

My Lover - who is the most amazing kind loving man. enough said.

My Boss - for supporting my request to work a flexible (less than 40 hr week) schedule for a few weeks. and for encouraging me to plan some additional time-off when a few big projects finnish up.

My regular doctor - for getting me in to see her right away and for being so gentle and understanding and for taking the time to listen to me and help me take care of myself.

My Grandma - for being such a fighter. for being able to eat soup with her weak hand without spilling and do up a zipper all on her own. She wants to get home so badly, and I love her determination.

My Bestie's Little One - for being so sweet and adorable. for giving me lots of cuddles and for sharing the sweetest little baby giggles with me.

My Bestie - for coming over and sitting on the couch with me all day when I needed her. and for being such a loving beautiful patient mother.

Infertility E-Class

This past March I took an infertility e-class with Lily from The Infertile Mind. It was incredible. I wrote a post about it earlier, and will forever be grateful to Lily for the gift that she gave me via that class. It was that class that opened the world of this online community for me, and helped me find the most essential tool of writing to help me on this journey.

I am so excited to announce that Lily is going to offer another infertility e-class starting in October! I can't recommend this class highly enough and hope that you will all sign up and participate.

Resiliancy

I've been working hard to build my resiliancy so that I am prepared for the road ahead of us. I think that I am generally a happy positive person. I like to have fun, I smile a lot, I try to always see the best in people. I've had periods of my life where anxiety and depression took over, but I've always bounced back. 

The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines resilience as:

1 : the capability of a strained body to recover its size and shape after deformation caused especially by compressive stress2 : an ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change

I've always thought about resiliancy being like a rubber band that is stretched but then snaps back to normal. The thing is that its hard to snap back when other things keep stretching me, and the things that are stretching me are changing my original shape. It also feels like rather than an acute 'snap', it is a long slow process. I am resilient, but it has become a constant state of being that requires my constant attention. 

Mayo Clinic's website lists the following tips to improve resilience. 

Working on your mental well-being is just as important as working on your physical health. If you want to strengthen your resilience, try these tips:

• Get connected. Build strong, positive relationships with family and friends, who provide support and acceptance. Volunteer, get involved in your community, or join a faith or spiritual community.

• Find meaning. Develop a sense of purpose for your life. Having something meaningful to focus on can help you share emotions, feel gratitude and experience an enhanced sense of well-being.
• Start laughing. Finding humor in stressful situations doesn't mean you're in denial. Humor is a helpful coping mechanism. If you can't find any humor in a situation, turn to other sources for a laugh, such as a funny book or movie.
• Learn from experience. Think back on how you've coped with hardships in the past. Build on skills and strategies that helped you through the rough times, and don't repeat those that didn't help.
• Remain hopeful. You can't change what's happened in the past, but you can always look toward the future. Find something in each day that signals a change for the better. Expect good results.
• Take care of yourself. Tend to your own needs and feelings, both physically and emotionally. This includes participating in activities and hobbies you enjoy, exercising regularly, getting plenty of sleep and eating well.
• Keep a journal. Write about your experiences, thoughts and feelings. Journaling can help you experience strong emotions you may otherwise be afraid to unleash. It also can help you see situations in a new way and help you identify patterns in your behavior and reactions.
• Accept and anticipate change. Expecting changes to occur makes it easier to adapt to them, tolerate them and even welcome them. With practice, you can learn to be more flexible and not view change with as much anxiety.
• Work toward a goal. Do something every day that gives you a sense of accomplishment. Even small, everyday goals are important. Having goals helps you look toward the future.
• Take action. Don't just wish your problems would go away or try to ignore them. Instead, figure out what needs to be done, make a plan and take action.
• Maintain perspective. Look at your situation in the larger context of your own life and of the world. Keep a long-term perspective and know that your situation can improve if you actively work at it.
• Practice stress management and relaxation techniques. Restore an inner sense of peace and calm by practicing such stress-management and relaxation techniques as yoga, meditation, deep breathing, visualization, imagery, prayer or muscle relaxation.

I have what I call my Toolkit. All the things that I have in place to support me and help me get through this journey.

• My lover and our communication with each other.
• This blog journal and the wonders of writing.
• My sister, mom, and bestie who know everything and love me so much.
• This online community and the ability to read your stories and know that I am not alone.
• My happy pills.
• My wonderful therapist.
• My emergency happy pills for especially trying times.
• The Resolve group I recently found.
• Nail polish to keep my fingers and toes beautiful.
• Pilates - that I really need to go to more often.
• Permission to cancel any plans at any time for any reason.
• A boss who is supportive and understanding.
• A job that is rewarding and challenging and flexible and has meaning.
• my puppy and kitty who are so soft and cuddly.

I also have so much to be grateful for. So much. No matter how low I feel, I always come back to the many things that I have to be thankful for. And while I think that having that perspective is important, I feel like it is important to experience the feelings that I am having at any point on this journey. There is a balance. The feelings I am having are real and valid, and I want to honor them. However I don't want to take for granted any of the many wonderful things in my life. 

One of the most wonderful things in my life is my bestie. I met her when we were in second grade. Our family moved in to the house next door to her. I 'met' her as she was escaping through her bedroom window. We became best buddies that day and have been besties ever since. I LOVE her and I LOVE her family and they LOVE me. She kept me company yesterday while I wallowed on the couch. Her adorable little daughter flirted with me and offered me so many sweet hugs.  She is a wonderful mom and I love being around her and her babe. I want to tell her about this blog, but I am hesitant to open it up to others in my real life. ML is the only one who reads it, but in the spirit of strengthening my support system, I think it could be a good thing.  I almost told her yesterday, but stopped. What do you think?

For the time being, this someecard says it all:

(check out Katie's post for more postcards, and a good laugh.)

Friday the 13th

I called in sick to work today. Thinking about leaving the house was just too much. I feel depleted.

Grandma update
Taking care of my grandma was fine, but really heavy stuff. I stayed with her in her hospital room on Wednesday night. All things considered we got a lot of sleep, in between the staff who came into the room every couple hours to check on here. There was one nurse who came in around midnight, turned the light on, and loudly announced that she as there to check vital signs. I jumped up and asked if grandma needed to be awake for the exam. Grandma had been asleep for a couple hours and I know that sleep is important for healing. I got the light turned off and quietly asked the lady to let grandma keep sleeping.

At one point in the middle of the night I heard some rustling and caught grandma as she was trying to get out of bed, on her own, to go potty. I got to her right away and was able to call for a couple additional nurses to help her. Had I not been there, she would have fallen out of her bed.

The next day was busy, with an almost constant stream of nurses and doctors and therapists coming and going. My aunt arrived from out of town just in time for the transfer to a rehabilitation center. I'd planned to go to work for the afternoon, but I was exhausted and didn't have a car anyways. So I stayed with my grandma while my aunt did some errands back to the house. I think that grandma will be in very good hands at the rehab facility. She is already making so much daily progress, and really wants to get home and be independent again.

They expect that she will be at this facility for two weeks before she can go home, at which point she will need a lot of help. I need to talk to my aunt, but assume that family will take on a large part of that responsibility.

Car(s) Update
Around five my mom came to help me get my car situation figured out. (ML was still waiting for our other car to get out of the shop.) We picked up the keys, got some water to fill the radiator (assuming it had just overheated), and called the tow truck. We waited for over TWO hours for a tow truck to arrive. The automated service had quoted us a 45 minute wait, and we'd received two automated follow up calls telling us that service was arriving any minute. Finally the tow driver called me directly and was so rude. He demanded to know why I needed a jumpstart on the highway. When I explained everything and stated that I might also need a tow, he got all upset with me. Excuse me. Finally we waved down a different tow truck, and within a minute our tow truck arrived. The guy really was a jerk. The car ended up getting towed after some arguments about what service our plan covered. I was ready to cry.

My mom and I hopped into her car to follow the tow truck, and as luck would have it, her car battery had died. The tow truck was gone and we were once again stranded. Mom called a friend who came and gave us a jump, and finally dropped me off with ML (at his work.) I felt like I was going to lose it, but he packed me up and we headed home just before eight. Our 'reliable' care was back in working order, with the 'old' van having replaced it at the shop.

The shop was able to fix up the van with new brakes, which apparently it really needed, a new battery, and new radiator fluid with a leaky hose fixed. We've spent way too much money to keep our lame old cars running this month and are wondering if we should just sell them and get newer cars. We've only ever driven or bought used cars, without ever having a car loan. We thought that we were saving money with this strategy, but right now we aren't sure if it might be cheaper to drive new cars that are reliable and don't require so much maintenance. We just bought ourselves a few more months with the ones we have, but we need to figure out a plan of action for the next time the cars quit working.

SA Update
It is what it is. Rather than being an acute emotional response, I think that it has just taken some wind out of my sail. My emotional reserves are a little depleted, which might make the rest of life's challenges this week a little harder to deal with.

Our plan is to continue for another two months with the FSH hormone injections for ML. We'll probably have another SA the first week of October, followed by another FNA mapping biopsy that same week. I'll probably want to check in with our RE sometime next month so that I can be ready for whatever comes next. If the SA or FNA show sperm, we'll need to continue the FSH injections and get me ready for IVF asap. If there is no sperm, then I think I'll want to try for diui with my next cycle. Either way that sets us up to cycle, for our first real attempt at pregnancy, this fall, in late October or November. I feel like there is a lot more to say about that, but I don't have the words just yet.

In other news
I was honored this week to be asked to formally endorse a school bond measure for the November ballot. My name will be listed, with four other very prominent community members on the ballot statement. I've volunteered for years on some district committees, hoping that our local schools will improve before I ever need to send my kids. I said that if my name is being used, I need to be involved on the campaign steering committee, which is one more thing to feel overwhelmed about, but should end up being very rewarding.

The house is a mess. I feel like I should have cleaned it while I was home all day. The puppy is shedding a lot and there are fur balls everywhere. The kitchen is a mess, the bed needs new sheets, the laundry is all piled up. I just don't want to think about it.

ML is working on a political campaign. The big election is next week, so he is in crunch mode working LONG hours between now and then, including this weekend, leaving me solo to keep the household in working order. After this gig ends, he will be back to being unemployed. I am feeling a little nervous about that. He is so smart and talented and could do just about anything he wants. There is and will continue to be very little work in the field he studied so hard to become licensed in. Until things change, I think it is time to look at a back-up career.

A few Shout-Outs
I want to send a big hug over to The Queen at My Bumpy Journey for her shout-out. I love her blog and lover her attitude and am hoping that we will get to cycle together this fall. The awesome giggly girl Alison at The Privileged Infertile redesigned the Queen's header and has new plans in the works for IVF this fall! Keep your fingers crossed for Dory at Just Keep Swimming who had a successful ER and TESE. Her emotional story takes me back to the day ML had his biopsy. I'm also holding Kakunaa at Spermination Station in my thoughts as well as she nears the end of her 2ww.

*****
Writing all of my worries out seems to make them feel a little more manageable. I still think that I need some time to recoup and regroup. I have the weekend to take it easy.

Friday the 13th

I called in sick to work today. Thinking about leaving the house was just too much. I feel depleted.

Grandma update
Taking care of my grandma was fine, but really heavy stuff. I stayed with her in her hospital room on Wednesday night. All things considered we got a lot of sleep, in between the staff who came into the room every couple hours to check on here. There was one nurse who came in around midnight, turned the light on, and loudly announced that she as there to check vital signs. I jumped up and asked if grandma needed to be awake for the exam. Grandma had been asleep for a couple hours and I know that sleep is important for healing. I got the light turned off and quietly asked the lady to let grandma keep sleeping.

At one point in the middle of the night I heard some rustling and caught grandma as she was trying to get out of bed, on her own, to go potty. I got to her right away and was able to call for a couple additional nurses to help her. Had I not been there, she would have fallen out of her bed.

The next day was busy, with an almost constant stream of nurses and doctors and therapists coming and going. My aunt arrived from out of town just in time for the transfer to a rehabilitation center. I'd planned to go to work for the afternoon, but I was exhausted and didn't have a car anyways. So I stayed with my grandma while my aunt did some errands back to the house. I think that grandma will be in very good hands at the rehab facility. She is already making so much daily progress, and really wants to get home and be independent again.

Car(s) Update
Around five my mom came to help me get my car situation figured out. (ML was still waiting for our other car to get out of the shop.) We picked up the keys, got some water to fill the radiator (assuming it had just overheated), and called the tow truck. We waited for over TWO hours for a tow truck to arrive. The automated service had quoted us a 45 minute wait, and we'd received two automated follow up calls telling us that service was arriving any minute. Finally the tow driver called me directly and was so rude. He demanded to know why I needed a jumpstart on the highway. When I explained everything and stated that I might also need a tow, he got all upset with me. Excuse me. Finally we waved down a different tow truck, and within a minute our tow truck arrived. The guy really was a jerk. The car ended up getting towed after some arguments about what service our plan covered. I was ready to cry.

My mom and I hopped into her car to follow the tow truck, and as luck would have it, her car battery had died. The tow truck was gone and we were once again stranded. Mom called a friend who came and gave us a jump, and finally dropped me off with ML (at his work.) I felt like I was going to lose it, but he packed me up and we headed home just before eight. Our 'reliable' care was back in working order, with the 'old' van having replaced it at the shop.

The shop was able to fix up the van with new brakes, which apparently it really needed, a new battery, and new radiator fluid with a leaky hose fixed. We've spent way too much money to keep our lame old cars running this month and are wondering if we should just sell them and get newer cars. We've only ever driven or bought used cars, without ever having a car loan. We thought that we were saving money with this strategy, but right now we aren't sure if it might be cheaper to drive new cars that are reliable and don't require so much maintenance. We just bought ourselves a few more months with the ones we have, but we need to figure out a plan of action for the next time the cars quit working.

SA Update
It is what it is. Rather than being an acute emotional response, I think that it has just taken some wind out of my sail. My emotional reserves are a little depleted, which might make the rest of life's challenges this week a little harder to deal with.

Our plan is to continue for another two months with the FSH hormone injections for ML.

Reality Hits Hard

I never would have imagined how much it meant to receive so much love and support from all of you earlier this week. Thank you for walking this journey with me.

* * * * *

A few hours after my last post, I got a call letting me know that my Grandma had a stroke. She'd been at a writing class (no wonder I love writing so much!) and couldn't stand up to read her poem. Thank god that she was with so many people, because they called for help right away. She was able to get treatment very quickly. 

I adore my grandma. 

I am on night duty with her at the hospital tonight. We haven't left her alone since she arrive at the ED on Monday. Even laying in a hospital bed, with all of these iv's and monitors and bleeping lights, she is as graceful and composed as I have ever been. She really is an amazing woman. 

I miss my grandpa. His time with us ended just a few months after my wedding. He always was the family patriarch. We all looked to him for guidance and direction. What grandpa said was the way things were. He was so wise and strong. I miss him all the time. 

Grandma has been on her own since he passed. Its been hard for her, I know. But she is so strong. A military wife who raised four young ones while her husband fought for our county in wars where many soldiers never came home - yep she's a fighter. and I love her.

I cried when they sold the family home. We all did. They needed the money, and the house was too big. It had been grandma's parents home when they settled here. She lived there with the kids while grandpa was away at war. We lived there with grandma and grandpa when my dad got out of the army. That home was always home for me, for my dad, for grandma. 

My grandma is a beautiful woman. Really gorgeous. She was beautiful always, and has aged so gracefully. She told my sister this afternoon, "thank god her face looks okay, because that would just be too much." 

My aunt will arrive tomorrow. She is the youngest of the four, the only girl, and the one who grandpa left in charge of the affairs before he passed. She and grandma are hilarious together. Grandma loves it when Aunt comes to visit, and Aunt's heart breaks that she is so far away the rest of the time. 

You know, I dream of growing old with ML. I dream of celebrating our 50th wedding anniversary surrounded by our family, like we did for my grandparents. My grandma may be getting older, but she is not alone. Not tonight, and not ever. 

* * * * *

So on my way over to the hospital tonight, driving our 13 year old 275k mile minivan that we bought from my MIL 150k ago, I noticed the temperature gage was on hot. I called ML and he said not to panic, we'd deal with it the next day. It was just a few more miles so I continued. 

It felt like the car was losing power, but I was driving up a hill and at my exit anyway. As I roll up to the stoplight the car lost power. And then smoke started poring out of the hood, and into the cabin. I threw on the blinkers and jumped out of the car with my phone. Freakin Ay. 

Some guy stopped and helped me move the car out of way of traffic. My phone was nearly dead, my mom was waiting for me to relieve her from her shift at the hospital, I was so flustered that I couldn't figure out how to call for roadside assistance. Smoke continued to pour from the car.  I really was just down the road from the hospital so I grabbed my overnight bag, locked the car, and caught a ride to a safer location with the guy who had stopped. F. me - I'd locked the keys in the car. 

I called the roadside assistance and they said that they couldn't get a tow truck out until I had the keys. Gotta love it that our other car is currently in the shop. And just tonight we were talking about how reliable and trouble free the van has been. I should have knocked on wood.

I had my mom leave a note on the windshield, and have my fingers crossed that the CHP doesn't tow us tonight. ML will bike the extra set of keys over in the morning and we'll deal with it then. 

* * * * *

I felt so tired today. Like the delayed emotion of Monday's news was slowly catching up with me. Not in the sense that I feel sadder now, just that I feel a little drained emotionally. Tired. and a little hopeless again. It all just feels so futile, and pointless. Like the pain/happiness balance is out of wack and there is just too much hurt. I want to think that the happiness will come back around again, but it feels so far away. 

No Miracle for Us

The doctor finally called with the results of Fridays SA.

No sperm.

Pretty much what I knew deep down to expect. I toyed with other expectations, but can't say that I actually believed that we would get any other news. As I told ML, we only get bad news.

So, thats that. We'll continue with the $1,600 /month FSH injections for another two months, then do another SA, then another $3,700 FNA MAP biopsy. Same plan as before.

I'd been expecting to get our SA results on Friday, but the nurse informed us it usually took 24 hours for the lab to get back with results. She promised to call us as soon as she had the info, most likely on Monday. I asked that they email us instead of calling if it was Monday before the results came. (I didn't want to be waiting by the phone all day.) We didn't hear from her on Friday by the close of business, so I figured first thing Monday we'd be getting a call and/or email. We got neither before ML and I left for work. I texted ML at noon to see if there was any news. I called him at 1:30 and asked him to call the office. He spoke with the nurse who said that she had the results, but didn't want to say anything about them and would have the Dr call us at 3:45pm.

This is what I wrote while I waited for 2 hours until we heard from the Doctor. (disclaimer: I really do LOVE this doctor and his nurse and his office. I just had to release my anxiety into words, and in this post he unfortunately gets the brunt of my pain.)

You can help. You can help minimize my anxiety and the trauma of this experience by setting clear expectations for me. The process of waiting for test results is so often more stressful than the actual test itself. Please be clear about when the results will be ready and how you will share them with me. Please do not ever again hold MY test results so that YOU can call me at your convenience to tell me about them. That is a really mean kind of torture. That is why I hate you right now. and why I hate having to deal with doctors. I promise you that my imagination is far worse than anything you could ever tell me. Your nurse could have told us what the results were, emailed us a copy of the labs, and then had you call us to discuss it later. You really don't have a clue about how hard this is for us. for me. this waiting is the worst kind of hell. 


So, either there is no sperm and we keep doing what we're doing... or there is sperm and we start freezing it for ivf. You told us before that those were the options. Is there some other option that you're going to spring on us now? please don't. Are there sperm, but there is something wrong with them? Are there a gazillion sperm and we can get pregnant naturally and you just wanted to be the on to tell us? F. You, because the stress hormones that you've flooded my body with will sure as hell interfere with that plan.


Your nurse said that she would call as soon as she go the results. But then we had to call her and she is making us wait to talk to you. damn it. 


I am trying so hard to just be present right here and now. Its not like my knowing at this moment will change anything. It won't. So I try to breath and focus on this first day back to work. But I just cancelled a meeting so that I can be by the phone for your call. F. You. It is hard to breath when that anxiety band around my chest feels so freakin tight. 


I may be a little neurotic about this, but I know what I am not alone. I know that all of my IF sisters will say the same thing as I am right now. It is a huge comfort for me to know that, and should be a huge lesson for you - one that you and your nurse need to learn and remember. In all other regards, you've been awesome, and I really do love you. I just wish that you cold know how hard this is for me to wait right now and that there are a few things you could have done to prevent this unnecessary anxiety. 

For what its worth I did tell him when we spoke that i wished his nurse could have given us this info when ML spoke to her hours ago and that it was really hard to wait. He apologized and said that he always gives critical information personally, and that she shouldn't have told us that she would call. For what its worth I think he might have picked up on the stress in my voice and will be more careful about the expectations that he sets with his patients from here on out.

Hot Water

Hot water that comes of of the ground is freakin amazing. I never cease to be fully amazed at the wonders of nature when I discover naturally created hot pools of water inviting me to soak. We’d planned to camp at a hot spring last night. (*at the time of writing - this post had to wait for internet access.)

I dropped the boys (ML and Mr.T) off to take a 60 mile bike ride and spent the next three hours wandering around the cutest little town. The plan was to follow the path that they took and meet up with them at a ranger station. The plan fell apart when the road turned from a paved one to a gravel one. I could see their tire tracks so I figured they persevered to follow the plan. There were a number of forks in the road and I did my best to guess which way to turn. Every so often I’d come across a sign that pointed in the direction of my destination.  I was concerned that I might be lost, and that I was no longer following the path that the boys took, and that no one would know where to come looking for me if something happened, but continued on my way.

And then, after at least an hour of driving and forking, the gravel road was blocked. Totally blocked. A big gravel mound with a few fallen trees. No possible way over or around it. Crap. 

Panic started to set in. Where the fuck was I? Why didn’t they leave me a sign? There was nothing for me to do but back up and go back. I had no idea how to go back, there had been so many forks in the road. I thought that they must have just continued over the roadblock and continued to our agreed upon destination. Even if I did find my way back to where I’d started from it would take me an extra three or four hours to get to the destination on an alternate path. 

I looked at the clock. It was already 8pm. It was going to get dark soon. crap. I came across another fork in the road. I had to pee. As I got back into the car I had that awful skin prickly feeling that I get when anxiety is taking over. I took some deep breaths and decided that all I could do at this point was commit to a different direction. There was a directional sign at this junction. I wrote a note with my name, the date, the time, and the direction that I was heading in, thinking that the boys must be at the destination realizing that was lost in the national forest and maybe getting ready to send a ranger out to look for me.  I tucked my note into the sign and continued on.

Long panicked story short, I left a few more notes, finally ended up back on a paved road that had an arrow drawn into it with charcoal. Turns out that there were a whole series of arrows at each succeeding junction, and that they were in fact left for me. At some point my phone beeped with a text message from ML. The boys knew I must be lost and were waiting for me at a pizza place in the nearest town. He told me that they left arrows for me. Not sure how the text came thru, because I still had no cell service. 

Finally, I was found. The boys were found. An hour after sitting close to ML I was feeling back to normal. We were no where near our planned destination. We got some dinner at a little diner and directions to a nearby campground. 

There is more to say here (about dinner), but it is for another post.

We found a beautiful national forest campground (blue pool) right along a river. Perfect. and in the morning our neighbors told us about a hot springs a mile up the road. it was beautiful. We made some breakfast, packed up camp, unloaded a mile down the road and spent the next hour soaking up the glorious natural hot water that was emerging from the ground in a perfect little pool right alongside the river.  

Our best laid plans went terribly array, yet we still managed to find exactly what we were  looking for all along. Beautiful.

Ugly Babies

Early morning at the hideout. the dead weaving its way through the trees and tents. the sun hiding behind a blanket of high clouds, yet present in a gentle morning diffusion of light.  People emerging from their slumber, moving slowly, with sleep hazy smiles when they see me. sitting here on a camp chair, wrapped warm with a blanket, waiting for some coffee to brew. 

thinking this morning while cuddled next to my love what it is that I love about being here. The music of course, but there is something so much more. The people, my friends, who are here with me, I love them too, but it doesn’t allow for that deep personal connection of long late night talks. 

I am entertained here. there is just so much to look at. so many people and costumes and colors.

What i really need to get off my mind... I watch the people walk by and I stare at the bellies. is that a beer belly or a baby belly i wonder. the baby bellies are here, but mostly hidden. I stare at the families, especially the ones with the babes held close. The moms and dads look so happy, and in love. I feel their love.

Unfortunately the one that is here with our group makes me feel so negative and hateful. Maybe because she is so negative. She walks around talking to no one (maybe she thought I was listening) about how awful it is to be pregnant, and about how hard it is to travel with a babe. I told ML that her baby is ugly. I hate to be so mean, but i really feel that. I’m avoiding her. I considered saying something, but she wouldn’t get it, she wouldn’t care. I just want her to shut up, and to stay away from me. But I can avoid just as easily. 

Before the show last night I was in the cuddle puddle (don’t ask) with Mr. Traveler and some others. I told Mr. T that I thought the baby was ugly. He was flabbergasted that I would say something so awful, but understood that I just had to get it off my chest. He was really sweet, and agreed that she was hard to be around. Everyone rolled their eyes when she cruised into our camp (from her RV camp) one morning and announced that everyone needed to be quiet because the baby was napping. Excuse us (all 20 of us) but maybe you should have stayed at your camp while your ugly baby sleeeps.

battery on low. until recharge.. xoxo

The World Travelers

We have these awesome friends. I’m going to call them Mr and Mrs World Traveler. (Mr T and Mrs T, for short.) Mr T and ML were in a fraternity together in college. 

They both drank like fish and and smoked so much 4.2.0. its surprising that they have functioning livers or lungs left. This fraternity was like animal house. A very diverse and random assortment of guys who, against all odds, have turned out to be some of the most successful people we know. Many of our closest friends are rooted in the relationships that ML formed through that fraternity. In fact, I met ML in that dirty house one night, but that too is a story for another post. 

So Mr. T and ML became good friends in college. Mr. T was ML’s best man at our wedding, and ML was Mr. T’s best man at his. I guess you could say that ML and Mr. T are like besties. When our world started to fall apart last year, (after the azoos diagnosis, work slowing down substantially for ML, and our dog died) I started feeling like ML must need a friend. I have a pretty solid support network with my bestie, my sister and my mom, but he really didn’t have anyone, and I worried about that. So I called Mr.T and without going into any details asked if he could reach out to ML. 

I think that Mr. and Mrs. T had some inclination that something was going on with us. We’d stayed at their house a few times when we had to travel to the City for early appointments. They knew that we were seeing doctors, and were stressed out about some stuff, but we’d sent some pretty strong signals that indicated we didn’t want to talk about it. 

I am friends with Mrs. T, but we are not super close. I love her and love hanging out with her, but we don’t actually have that much in common and probably wouldn’t make the effort if it weren’t for Mr T and ML. We’d always talked about starting our families sometime in 2009, and used to gossip about who was or wasn’t drinking at parties. She is super career oriented and travels a lot for her job. She’s always worried about how maternity leave will affect her career ladder. Earlier this year, on a ski trip, on a ski lift, she asked about our “plans”. Without saying much I just told her that we’d encountered some serious challenges and that it wasn’t going to happen without some serious assistance. And then last time we visited, maybe a few months ago, I must have been in a really good place because we talked about it a little more. I didn’t divulge many details, but was able to tell her how hard it has been and how hard the road ahead of us will be. She was really kind and empathetic, of course.

Every so often I ask ML if he has shared our situation with any of his friends, and he always says no. Until this weekend. 

We were festival camping with a big group of friends, including Mr. T.   I saw them sitting together and decided against joining them. ML later told me that he’d spilled his guts and told Mr. T everything. He said that it felt good to get it all off his chest. I feel so relieved. It feels so much better to know that ML has a friend who he can share this all with. A friend who knows the depths of what we are dealing with.