I think it was a Monday. I was in my car. The meeting I was supposed to be at had been canceled.
I was waiting for his text.
ML was meeting with his new doctor. Getting the results of his first semen analysis. We’d been trying for 18 months and I kind-of knew something was wrong.
Foxy: Hi love
ML: I’m at the office but haven’t spoken with the doctor yet
(about 30 minutes later)
ML: weird news
ML: Doctor went to call a urologist.
Foxy: Can u call me?
Foxy: no meeting - I’m coming now
ML: Ok. I’m still at the doctor.
We must have talked at that point, I can’t remember. He told me that the results were zero. I didn’t understand. Apparently the doctor didn’t understand either. He looked at the results and had to leave the room to call a UR to find out what the zero results meant.
My memory of the text exchange is crystal clear, as are a few other moments from that day. Searching google via my phone to discover the word azoospermia. Sitting at the taqueria for lunch sick to my stomach watching my lovers eyes fill with tears and seeing the pain that he was trying so hard to hide. Being at home later that evening, curled up together on the couch crying. Realizing that if I didn’t call my mom that night, I’d have to relive the pain again another day when I told her. Calling her, she was on the other line with her cousin, telling her and barely getting the words out. It was a short conversation, and I collapsed into uncontrolled sobs into the strong loving arms of ML.
It hurt to breath.
Thank god for google that night. We both searched desperately. Desperate to find a hope that we could cling to. A hope that the stupid doctor knew nothing about and failed to offer.
How is this possible. How could this pain hurt so much. How is it possible that my world could simply shatter around me so fast. I knew immediately that I would never be the same. I knew that we would never be the same. Everything had changed. I knew it.
How could my love for this man have grown so much stronger in a matter of a few hours. If I knew anything, it was that my love for him had never been so fierce. My commitment to him, to our relationship, was more important to me than anything.
The loss I felt in those first hours was overwhelming. So many dreams had vanished into smoke. a natural conception. a house full of kids. a normal pregnancy. a savings account.
I think I went into shock. I felt like I had been hit. hard. and that another hit was going to come at any moment. I had to brace myself for that next hit. I had to physically hold myself together. To hold my body stiff and solid so that I was ready for the next hit.
I had to think about every breath. The natural reflex to breath had disappeared. Breath in. Breath out. Nothing was natural anymore. My world had stopped spinning.
14 comments :
Hugs, Foxy... our day of finding out went very similarly and it's etched forever in my mind...
Hey Foxy!
I am just finishing up my 29 gifts in 29 days project and I will need your mailing info to send you your gift...
beckiesinfertile@live.ca
Thanks!
Beckie
((HUGS)) The emotions of the day we found out still come back to haunt me too. It changes us forever. And you are so right- it's amazing how something so painful can make the bond between husband and wife so much stronger.
I can relate to this post. I think we all can. None of us will ever forget the day that changed our lives forever. Those emotions still feel so raw--at least they do for me. But you are so right. As long as we've been in each other's lives, I've never felt a greater bond with my husband than in that moment and the days, weeks, months, and now years that followed.
xo
This is such a touching post that brought tears to my eyes. The way you describe your love...the heartache you both felt. So moving. Thankyou for sharing this.
Yup, you wrote this perfectly, its strange to get news like that and feel SO broken, but at the same time feel SO much love for your partner. I know people have asked me If it made me rethink my marriage (insensitive I know) but my marriage has grown stronger. Someday this will happen for us, and someday we will know why it had to happen this way (i hope)
I still remember That Day like it was yesterday, and it's been 3.5 years. So much shock. So many tears. So little seeming the same at the end of the day as it did in the morning. *hugs*
September 18. We were both at the doc...I remember saying, "zero? What do you mean zero?"
Wow, that brought back a lot....
HUGS, sweetie. That must have been very hard to share...
while I (or John) got this kind of news, I know how the wind is knocked out of you when you are told and realize that something is wrong, not working, not going to happen easily.
I don't remember the date, but I do remember the feeling, the hopeless place I was.....
HUGS, HUGS to you. One year later, you are better and your love is stronger.
I remember the day I got my diagnosis, it was amazing to me to see people out shopping and driving and going on as normal. Anyone who has been through it, knows how fragile "normal" is and how quickly it can disappear.
I hope that a year later you have begun to find your way and that your love for your husband is even stronger than it was on that day.
A breathtakingly well-written post, it made me cry because I can relate 100%. It feels like being slapped with a bag full of bricks. oh man, that initial shock and pain. ::giant hugs::
We'd been trying for 15 months, it's crazy how similar our stories are.
I can't tell you how lovely it is to hear about your love and devotion to your husband - as the infertile one in my relationship, I've often felt such guilt and anger at myself (which my husband explains is unnecessary). Hearing of your love and dedication is touching on so many levels.
I'm crying...I also remember that day all too well. We got a LETTER...a freaking LETTER!! DH wasn't home yet when I came home and found the letter in the mailbox. I knew that we had decided we'd open it together, so I waited for him. He came home and I was in the bedroom. I told him we'd open it together when he was ready. (We knew that he'd had issues and it would be bad--just didn't know HOW bad) Well he sneaked to go open it himself. I thought he was outside working in the yard for a bit to wind down his day. It had been a little while and I thought, we need to open that letter, it's getting late. I found him outside on the deck, jack daniels by his side, sobbing uncontrollably. It took me over 2 hours to get him calmed down and get him inside and into bed. I can't even go on the deck without wanting to burst into tears, all due to the memories of that night. It was horrible. I couldn't hardly cry myself because he was such a mess. I'd never seen him cry before.
I know this post is old, but this was my day on Friday. It was so hard to hear, and I was the one who had to tell my DH. I feel like you did though- I somehow love him more now and I feel so much closer to him now. We go to the urologist next week!
Post a Comment