Logic Prevails?

So much to write about, and so little time.

Our SA is next week. I talked to my therapist about it, because I want to make sure that I am prepared to receive and handle the results. She suggested that we have the Doc email the results rather than call, so that ML and I can read them on our own time, as opposed to getting a call while we are in the car (for 12 hours with two other people). We kind of walked thru my reaction if they are negative, which I had kind of been focused on. Then we talked about my reaction if there is sperm. Ironic as it sounds, I have a lot more anxiety about that. There are a whole series of actions that get kicked into high gear if this SA finds sperm. And I would want to start them all immediately, which isn't really feasible for 10 days while we are on vacation. So instead I will just obsess about it during our vacation, and since we'll be camping I will be without any access to the internet or reliable phone service to start planning.

Awesome therapist also suggested that I check in with ML about all of this. To see what he is thinking and feeling about everything, and to let him know what I am thinking and feeling. (Duhhh. She often has the most common sense suggestions, that I somehow fail to see clearly on my own.)  Although I think about this stuff a lot, ML prefers not to think about it and has some magical ability to turn off that part of his brain. (Can you sense my jealousy!) I know that he doesn't like to think or talk about it, so I try to be thoughtful about how often I bring it up. So we hadn't really talked about this...

...Until I brought it up the other night. He clearly hadn't been thinking much about it and started to panic a little when I started to talk about having the Doc email the results so that we wouldn't get them in the car with his friends. He looked at me like I might be totally crazy when I said that if the SA shows sperm that I fully expected us to find a sperm bank on our trip so that he could make deposits during our vacation. He was panicked because he is worried about me. and my reaction. and about these results 'breaking me', like the last results did. He wants to wait until we get home to get the SA. I cried.

I tried to explain that I will be fine, That I just need to talk thru the negative/positive reactions now and that I will be fine when we are in the car for 12 hours with other people and unable to talk about any of this. I am so much stronger now. I have so many support tools in place now. I can handle this. I've been planning on this SA being next Wednesday for months. I can handle anything, I just can't handle changing the plan.

He thinks that this will ruin our vacation.

I took a zanax, finished crying, and went to sleep. He couldn't sleep, woke up at 4am and watched the Tou.r de F.rance for 4 hours. He is concerned about me. and probably feels a little like he has no control over these plans that I am so focused on.

I couldn't see it that night, but he might be right. It might be easier/better to reschedule the SA for after we return. I suppose I should talk to him about this again. These are not my choices to make alone. and I trust that he knows me better than I know myself when it comes to things like this. and it really isn't fair that my out of control emotions should ruin our vacation. We are in this together.